"Resistance is futile" said the chocolate digestive to the overweight lady as she handed around the biscuit tin to her children before bed. "Only two" said the lady to the children. As she left for the kitchen in search of the lid the biscuits again rattled "you cannot fight us; we are stronger than you; we are many and you are one".
"Oh why won't this bloody lid fit on the tin" shouted the frustrated woman. That's it! She would never silence them. As she carefully chose the most broken biscuit (because the children won't eat the broken ones), she told herself "fine, just to shut you up I will have just one".
As the chocolaty, crumbly scrumptiousness worked its way from side to side and smoothed her taste buds, the other bits of the broken biscuit started wailing for their missing piece and cried with insistence to join their friend. The kind hearted lady could not leave these pieces in, well, pieces, so did the right thing and ate the others.
Soon there was quiet sobbing from the tin "Our friends, our friends, oh please lady, please let us join them in the warmth of your tummy. We were made to please and satisfy you. Put your trust in us and we will not disappoint. If you eat all of us really quickly it is just the same as only eating one of us". With this, and the knowledge that, yes, resistance is definitely futile she lifted the lid on the tin once more.
And then the gentle calling of the cold milk from the fridge tinkled on her earlobes. As she took a large gulp of milk to accompany the 5th digestive in an already crowded mouth, she heard her children "can I have another biscuit mum?" Alas, she could not shout "NO, TWO IS PLENTY".
Exhausted, stuffed and feeling yuk, the lady slumped on the sofa and looked at her children. The only comfort she could gain was knowing that her gluttony was saving her children from a life time of obesity.
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Sunday 5 June 2011
Ten Top Tips to Surviving......
Swimming with the kids!
1. Never let them be more undressed than you. Even if this means going to the pool with them in their pants, trousers, t-shirts, jumpers, socks, shoes, rain coats, waterproof trousers, gloves, hats and scarves (even in summer) and you in just your swimsuit and flip flops.
2. Fight and stand your ground for the biggest cubicle! And if someone less encumbered than you beats you to it then go in the cubicle next to them. Keep saying very loudly to the children how inconsiderate other people are. Deliberately bang your knee and elbow on the dividing wall and scream with pain every few minutes. 'Accidently' kick an open dirt nappy under the cubicle and (sincerely) apologise!
3. Bring a buggy! I load everything on to the buggy and wheel it on to pool side as just HATE faffing about with lockers that are too small. And then once you have finally jammed the last shoe in you find the lock doesn't work or the wristband with the key on has broken.
4. Take a family trip to the loo and make them all go before entering the pool. I usually dehydrate them well for a few hours first too.
5. Whilst swimming try not to lose any of them. I have told my children that sharks live in the deep end and they really like bright orange armbands so best to stay in the shallow end.
6. Don't EVER turn you back on your child that is standing on the side. This can lead to him / her painfully jumping on your head or getting a foot stuck down the back of your swim suit.
7. Make sure you have a swim suit that goes up to the neck and is tight. My kids just love to expose me in the shallow end whilst claiming they are drowning.
8. When leaving the pool, tie them altogether to make sure you don't leave one behind or that one doesn't do a runner and throw themselves back in.
9. Never let them be more dressed than you (especially if they can walk). I sit them on the bench with their towels on, shivering, and make them wait until I am totally dressed. Cruel I know but I have learnt the hard way. Having dressed my kids first they then opened the door to expose my total nakedness, one leg on the bench drying myself, to not only the people in the changing room but to the life guard on poolside! Having not learnt my lesson the first time, I was in a similar scenario a few weeks later that had me grabbing for a towel to run naked to poolside to stop the 2 year old throwing herself in. Sadly the towel I grabbed was a small hand towel for my hair. It didn't quite do the job of covering me adequately.
10. Bribery - especially after-swimming sweets!! Use it, abuse it and get the best behaved kids!
Happy swimming. X
1. Never let them be more undressed than you. Even if this means going to the pool with them in their pants, trousers, t-shirts, jumpers, socks, shoes, rain coats, waterproof trousers, gloves, hats and scarves (even in summer) and you in just your swimsuit and flip flops.
2. Fight and stand your ground for the biggest cubicle! And if someone less encumbered than you beats you to it then go in the cubicle next to them. Keep saying very loudly to the children how inconsiderate other people are. Deliberately bang your knee and elbow on the dividing wall and scream with pain every few minutes. 'Accidently' kick an open dirt nappy under the cubicle and (sincerely) apologise!
3. Bring a buggy! I load everything on to the buggy and wheel it on to pool side as just HATE faffing about with lockers that are too small. And then once you have finally jammed the last shoe in you find the lock doesn't work or the wristband with the key on has broken.
4. Take a family trip to the loo and make them all go before entering the pool. I usually dehydrate them well for a few hours first too.
5. Whilst swimming try not to lose any of them. I have told my children that sharks live in the deep end and they really like bright orange armbands so best to stay in the shallow end.
6. Don't EVER turn you back on your child that is standing on the side. This can lead to him / her painfully jumping on your head or getting a foot stuck down the back of your swim suit.
7. Make sure you have a swim suit that goes up to the neck and is tight. My kids just love to expose me in the shallow end whilst claiming they are drowning.
8. When leaving the pool, tie them altogether to make sure you don't leave one behind or that one doesn't do a runner and throw themselves back in.
9. Never let them be more dressed than you (especially if they can walk). I sit them on the bench with their towels on, shivering, and make them wait until I am totally dressed. Cruel I know but I have learnt the hard way. Having dressed my kids first they then opened the door to expose my total nakedness, one leg on the bench drying myself, to not only the people in the changing room but to the life guard on poolside! Having not learnt my lesson the first time, I was in a similar scenario a few weeks later that had me grabbing for a towel to run naked to poolside to stop the 2 year old throwing herself in. Sadly the towel I grabbed was a small hand towel for my hair. It didn't quite do the job of covering me adequately.
10. Bribery - especially after-swimming sweets!! Use it, abuse it and get the best behaved kids!
Happy swimming. X
Sunday 29 May 2011
Today....
Today.... I am a numpty!
Today I spent 2 hours ripping the house apart looking for my wallet. I stripped the beds, empty the bin, drained the washing machine mid cycle, accused the kids, searched the kids, threatened the kids and then found it in the car carefully stowed under the driver's seat (where I had put it yesterday).
Today..... I am embarrassed!
I thought it would be a great idea to go to a boat jumble to get the kids some life jackets for our new adventures on the water and then take them to visit the sailing club I hope to join. Well, they kept climbing in the boats at the jumble, jumping on the life jackets and saying loudly that they thought it was all "rubbish". I can't even talk about what happened at the sailing club.... especially having lectured the kids in the car on the way about their conduct in public. Put it this way.... I am glad we didn't meet the membership secretary! I hate the feeling that my card is marked before we even arrive somewhere.
Today..... I am fat!
I joined weight watchers on line 2 weeks ago and so far have lost 7 lbs (great I know) but I am pretty sure that the lapses over the last 2 days will make up for that. I couldn't resist but buy Cadbury chocolate eclairs (large packet rather than tube) whilst I was in the garage paying for petrol. I didn't get them for me, you understand.... I got them to punish the children! Their earlier behaviour meant no treats so the ultimate punishment had to be flaunting it under their noses!
Today ..... I laughed
A little, not a lot and certainly not out loud. You see I was laughing at my eldest son and he hates being laughed at (well don't we all until we have had a bowel motion whilst pushing a baby out and then nothing is embarrassing any longer).
Twin 1..... "Mummy, where does Jam come from?"
Eldest son...." derrrr... Tesco, you ejit!"
It is only lunch time so I am waiting for the Today.... I cried, Today..... I loved, and the inevitable.... Today..... I wet myself trying to run after my 2 year old.
Today I spent 2 hours ripping the house apart looking for my wallet. I stripped the beds, empty the bin, drained the washing machine mid cycle, accused the kids, searched the kids, threatened the kids and then found it in the car carefully stowed under the driver's seat (where I had put it yesterday).
Today..... I am embarrassed!
I thought it would be a great idea to go to a boat jumble to get the kids some life jackets for our new adventures on the water and then take them to visit the sailing club I hope to join. Well, they kept climbing in the boats at the jumble, jumping on the life jackets and saying loudly that they thought it was all "rubbish". I can't even talk about what happened at the sailing club.... especially having lectured the kids in the car on the way about their conduct in public. Put it this way.... I am glad we didn't meet the membership secretary! I hate the feeling that my card is marked before we even arrive somewhere.
Today..... I am fat!
I joined weight watchers on line 2 weeks ago and so far have lost 7 lbs (great I know) but I am pretty sure that the lapses over the last 2 days will make up for that. I couldn't resist but buy Cadbury chocolate eclairs (large packet rather than tube) whilst I was in the garage paying for petrol. I didn't get them for me, you understand.... I got them to punish the children! Their earlier behaviour meant no treats so the ultimate punishment had to be flaunting it under their noses!
Today ..... I laughed
A little, not a lot and certainly not out loud. You see I was laughing at my eldest son and he hates being laughed at (well don't we all until we have had a bowel motion whilst pushing a baby out and then nothing is embarrassing any longer).
Twin 1..... "Mummy, where does Jam come from?"
Eldest son...." derrrr... Tesco, you ejit!"
It is only lunch time so I am waiting for the Today.... I cried, Today..... I loved, and the inevitable.... Today..... I wet myself trying to run after my 2 year old.
Sunday 22 May 2011
And The Results Are In
Well it has been a dual that has lasted over 4 days and spanned many borders. Many battles have been fought and trials completed; strengths and skills have been pushed to their maximum and records have been broken. So after a thrilling match for the viewer, I can now declare the winner to be Team Children.
Team Mum was an awesome opponent and only narrowly missed out on winning the title of 'Cleanest House Has Ever Been'. She put up a strong fight against the poster paint finger prints on the windows and walls by fiercely scrubbing but behind her Team Children were there with their chocolate covered hands to quickly undo her work.
She bravely and exhaustingly steam cleaned the cream sitting room carpet but the youngest member of Team Children had this one in the bag by discreetly undoing her nappy and defecating on a cleaned area.
Donned in full protective clothing she headed to the downstairs loo; toilet brush in one hand, bleach in the other and a text message sent to her husband saying "if I'm not out in 20 minutes call an ambulance". Team Mum achieved full marks for this task but it was not meant to be. The toilet duck didn't even have time to grip to the rim before Team Children were peeing carelessly up the walls and over the seat.
With inspiring tactics Team Mum cunningly cleaned the kitchen floor from hall way to back door and ensured her freshly made coffee and perfectly rolled cigarette were awaiting her for a 5 minute sit down before the battle continued. As she took her first sip from the warm cup she heard them screeching "MUMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?"
Sadly the last we heard from Team Mum was "GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN I'VE JUST MOPPED THE FLOOR", followed by some quiet sobbing.
We wish Team Mum all the best for her recovery and send many congratulations to Team Children..... May YOUR children be just as mischievous!
Team Mum was an awesome opponent and only narrowly missed out on winning the title of 'Cleanest House Has Ever Been'. She put up a strong fight against the poster paint finger prints on the windows and walls by fiercely scrubbing but behind her Team Children were there with their chocolate covered hands to quickly undo her work.
She bravely and exhaustingly steam cleaned the cream sitting room carpet but the youngest member of Team Children had this one in the bag by discreetly undoing her nappy and defecating on a cleaned area.
Donned in full protective clothing she headed to the downstairs loo; toilet brush in one hand, bleach in the other and a text message sent to her husband saying "if I'm not out in 20 minutes call an ambulance". Team Mum achieved full marks for this task but it was not meant to be. The toilet duck didn't even have time to grip to the rim before Team Children were peeing carelessly up the walls and over the seat.
With inspiring tactics Team Mum cunningly cleaned the kitchen floor from hall way to back door and ensured her freshly made coffee and perfectly rolled cigarette were awaiting her for a 5 minute sit down before the battle continued. As she took her first sip from the warm cup she heard them screeching "MUMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?"
Sadly the last we heard from Team Mum was "GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN I'VE JUST MOPPED THE FLOOR", followed by some quiet sobbing.
We wish Team Mum all the best for her recovery and send many congratulations to Team Children..... May YOUR children be just as mischievous!
Friday 20 May 2011
Dear Blog
Dear Blog
It has been far too long. There is a reason for this.... I have been slightly brain frazzled. I have had the most incredible couple of weeks though.
I guess there is the pressure to report interesting / funny incidents in my day (which do happen daily) but sometimes I doubt our followers will keep following if it is all about the trials and tribulations of parenting and trying to hold it all together. Sorry, dear Blog, but this post is not humorous.
But something has happened this week that I need to tell you about. Let me start by telling you that it is my belief that people are put in our paths (for however short a journey with us) for a reason. Maybe we need them or they need us. Maybe we can learn from them or them from us. Either way, their presence is vital.
We make very good friends with people, but as life changes we only take a few people from our past into the present. I met one of these people a few months ago and again this week. She told me she has cancer.
For the last 3 days I have not been able to shake her from my mind. Partly due to the news but mostly due to her attitude. I have never met anyone with her resolve, strength, positivity and acceptance. She is truly remarkable. She has made me really take note of my own mortality and the mortality of my children. She has made me think much more about my parenting skills and priorities than anything else in my life.
Because of this, our house is calmer, more loving and more patient. Well I am trying to be even if the children aren't!
I am sorry this is a 'serious' 'unhumorous' post but it has been so important for me to write it.
Thank you, my friend, you are truly an amazing inspiration and thank you Blog for being here for me to type this.
Lots of love XXXXX
It has been far too long. There is a reason for this.... I have been slightly brain frazzled. I have had the most incredible couple of weeks though.
I guess there is the pressure to report interesting / funny incidents in my day (which do happen daily) but sometimes I doubt our followers will keep following if it is all about the trials and tribulations of parenting and trying to hold it all together. Sorry, dear Blog, but this post is not humorous.
But something has happened this week that I need to tell you about. Let me start by telling you that it is my belief that people are put in our paths (for however short a journey with us) for a reason. Maybe we need them or they need us. Maybe we can learn from them or them from us. Either way, their presence is vital.
We make very good friends with people, but as life changes we only take a few people from our past into the present. I met one of these people a few months ago and again this week. She told me she has cancer.
For the last 3 days I have not been able to shake her from my mind. Partly due to the news but mostly due to her attitude. I have never met anyone with her resolve, strength, positivity and acceptance. She is truly remarkable. She has made me really take note of my own mortality and the mortality of my children. She has made me think much more about my parenting skills and priorities than anything else in my life.
Because of this, our house is calmer, more loving and more patient. Well I am trying to be even if the children aren't!
I am sorry this is a 'serious' 'unhumorous' post but it has been so important for me to write it.
Thank you, my friend, you are truly an amazing inspiration and thank you Blog for being here for me to type this.
Lots of love XXXXX
Monday 9 May 2011
Baby brain or early dementia?
OMG.... I have just had 'one of THOSE moments'. As I sit here typing, I cannot believe quite how stupid I have been.
For many years now I have been able to claim 'baby brain' for my daft moments - like finding shoes in the fridge, post in the freezer and packing my eldest son off to school with no pants on. But there comes a time in your parenting life that you have to face facts. Is it really baby brain or early dementia? Today's little incident has really got me thinking.
Having moved 4 months ago we now have the luxury of a downstairs toilet. We also never use our front door as our 'back' door is situated a metre from the front door and only requires one key. Over the weekend my husband fitted a bolt to the garden gate which gives me the peace of mind of being able to leave the door open and not worry about the neighbours reporting a stray toddler on the road.
Today, being lazy I decided not to go upstairs but used the downstairs loo. As I sat there with my pants around my ankles I heard a knock on the back door and someone calling "hello?" Without thinking I responded with "Hello, come in"!!!!! Before my slow brain had the chance to realise my fatally embarrassing mistake and react, THE POSTMAN was standing just a few metres away from me!
Gracefully he said "package for you, don't worry, it doesn't need a signature" and he retreated quickly leaving the goods on the kitchen counter.
How will I ever face him again? In fact, I have decided not too.... I plan to be out every morning until Christmas when I can give him a stuffed envelope to hopefully erase his memory.
For many years now I have been able to claim 'baby brain' for my daft moments - like finding shoes in the fridge, post in the freezer and packing my eldest son off to school with no pants on. But there comes a time in your parenting life that you have to face facts. Is it really baby brain or early dementia? Today's little incident has really got me thinking.
Having moved 4 months ago we now have the luxury of a downstairs toilet. We also never use our front door as our 'back' door is situated a metre from the front door and only requires one key. Over the weekend my husband fitted a bolt to the garden gate which gives me the peace of mind of being able to leave the door open and not worry about the neighbours reporting a stray toddler on the road.
Today, being lazy I decided not to go upstairs but used the downstairs loo. As I sat there with my pants around my ankles I heard a knock on the back door and someone calling "hello?" Without thinking I responded with "Hello, come in"!!!!! Before my slow brain had the chance to realise my fatally embarrassing mistake and react, THE POSTMAN was standing just a few metres away from me!
Gracefully he said "package for you, don't worry, it doesn't need a signature" and he retreated quickly leaving the goods on the kitchen counter.
How will I ever face him again? In fact, I have decided not too.... I plan to be out every morning until Christmas when I can give him a stuffed envelope to hopefully erase his memory.
Saturday 7 May 2011
Could the search be over?
I seem to be forever looking for my next mode of transport that will make the school runs easier.
Having invested in a bike, a baby seat on the back and a trailer for two, I am still not satisfied. I do get some funny looks from passers by though.
The school runs usually go like this.......
Get everyone up, fed, dressed, pack lunches done, search for half an hour for a missing shoe which is then found in a bush soaking wet from the rain, faces cleaned and a final fight between hair brush and hair (the brush usually wins). This is followed by them all running out of the gate leaving me to struggle with a total of 6 school bags, 2 drinks bottles, 3 sun hats, a hand bag and the toddler's dolly, whilst I lock the door always shouting.... "mind the cars". I then have a battle to get the toddler into her car seat. With back arching, legs thrashing and claws exposed she eventually has to give into my demands when my knee gently applies pressure and forces her to bend in the middle. As I retreat backwards out of the 'van' I look like I have done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and urgently need to run back inside to find the deodorant.
So all clipped in we make the half mile trip down the road to school number one to deliver son number one. There seems to be an unspoken competition to see who can get the parking spaces closest to the school. Even arriving at 7.30am we have to park miles away and walk another half mile to the gates. This is where the school run really does turn into a run. Whilst 3 run ahead, one usually hangs back. In fact the other day I had to walk back to the car as I was convinced I had left one of them locked in, only to find him at the pelican crossing by the school. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I live in a posh area. I would love nothing better than to shout... "IF YOU RUN AHEAD ONE MORE TIME I WILL BE FORCED TO BAN YOU FROM THE Wii FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE YOU TIED TO THE LAMP POST LIKE A DOG TOMORROW". However, I find myself saying "Darlings, not too far now, you might get an ouch from a nasty car"..... which, let's be honest, does not have the same effect. Once at the school I cannot sigh with relief as I know I have the walk back to the car still to come. We then have a 5 minute drive to school number 2 which does not open till 9.15 so we have to wait in the car for 15 minutes, just to deliver sons number 2 and 3.
And then we have to do it all over again in the afternoon to collect son number one from school number one
Next September the 3 boys will all be at the same school. I am trying to get in touch with my eco side (well the side the bank manager is on anyway) and cut down the use of the car. Well, petrol prices are ridiculous at the moment. So I am wondering about getting this..... I can strap all 4 in the box!
What do you think? Am I mad? Is there another option?
The school runs usually go like this.......
Get everyone up, fed, dressed, pack lunches done, search for half an hour for a missing shoe which is then found in a bush soaking wet from the rain, faces cleaned and a final fight between hair brush and hair (the brush usually wins). This is followed by them all running out of the gate leaving me to struggle with a total of 6 school bags, 2 drinks bottles, 3 sun hats, a hand bag and the toddler's dolly, whilst I lock the door always shouting.... "mind the cars". I then have a battle to get the toddler into her car seat. With back arching, legs thrashing and claws exposed she eventually has to give into my demands when my knee gently applies pressure and forces her to bend in the middle. As I retreat backwards out of the 'van' I look like I have done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and urgently need to run back inside to find the deodorant.
So all clipped in we make the half mile trip down the road to school number one to deliver son number one. There seems to be an unspoken competition to see who can get the parking spaces closest to the school. Even arriving at 7.30am we have to park miles away and walk another half mile to the gates. This is where the school run really does turn into a run. Whilst 3 run ahead, one usually hangs back. In fact the other day I had to walk back to the car as I was convinced I had left one of them locked in, only to find him at the pelican crossing by the school. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I live in a posh area. I would love nothing better than to shout... "IF YOU RUN AHEAD ONE MORE TIME I WILL BE FORCED TO BAN YOU FROM THE Wii FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE YOU TIED TO THE LAMP POST LIKE A DOG TOMORROW". However, I find myself saying "Darlings, not too far now, you might get an ouch from a nasty car"..... which, let's be honest, does not have the same effect. Once at the school I cannot sigh with relief as I know I have the walk back to the car still to come. We then have a 5 minute drive to school number 2 which does not open till 9.15 so we have to wait in the car for 15 minutes, just to deliver sons number 2 and 3.
And then we have to do it all over again in the afternoon to collect son number one from school number one
Next September the 3 boys will all be at the same school. I am trying to get in touch with my eco side (well the side the bank manager is on anyway) and cut down the use of the car. Well, petrol prices are ridiculous at the moment. So I am wondering about getting this..... I can strap all 4 in the box!
What do you think? Am I mad? Is there another option?
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