"Resistance is futile" said the chocolate digestive to the overweight lady as she handed around the biscuit tin to her children before bed. "Only two" said the lady to the children. As she left for the kitchen in search of the lid the biscuits again rattled "you cannot fight us; we are stronger than you; we are many and you are one".
"Oh why won't this bloody lid fit on the tin" shouted the frustrated woman. That's it! She would never silence them. As she carefully chose the most broken biscuit (because the children won't eat the broken ones), she told herself "fine, just to shut you up I will have just one".
As the chocolaty, crumbly scrumptiousness worked its way from side to side and smoothed her taste buds, the other bits of the broken biscuit started wailing for their missing piece and cried with insistence to join their friend. The kind hearted lady could not leave these pieces in, well, pieces, so did the right thing and ate the others.
Soon there was quiet sobbing from the tin "Our friends, our friends, oh please lady, please let us join them in the warmth of your tummy. We were made to please and satisfy you. Put your trust in us and we will not disappoint. If you eat all of us really quickly it is just the same as only eating one of us". With this, and the knowledge that, yes, resistance is definitely futile she lifted the lid on the tin once more.
And then the gentle calling of the cold milk from the fridge tinkled on her earlobes. As she took a large gulp of milk to accompany the 5th digestive in an already crowded mouth, she heard her children "can I have another biscuit mum?" Alas, she could not shout "NO, TWO IS PLENTY".
Exhausted, stuffed and feeling yuk, the lady slumped on the sofa and looked at her children. The only comfort she could gain was knowing that her gluttony was saving her children from a life time of obesity.
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Sunday 5 June 2011
Ten Top Tips to Surviving......
Swimming with the kids!
1. Never let them be more undressed than you. Even if this means going to the pool with them in their pants, trousers, t-shirts, jumpers, socks, shoes, rain coats, waterproof trousers, gloves, hats and scarves (even in summer) and you in just your swimsuit and flip flops.
2. Fight and stand your ground for the biggest cubicle! And if someone less encumbered than you beats you to it then go in the cubicle next to them. Keep saying very loudly to the children how inconsiderate other people are. Deliberately bang your knee and elbow on the dividing wall and scream with pain every few minutes. 'Accidently' kick an open dirt nappy under the cubicle and (sincerely) apologise!
3. Bring a buggy! I load everything on to the buggy and wheel it on to pool side as just HATE faffing about with lockers that are too small. And then once you have finally jammed the last shoe in you find the lock doesn't work or the wristband with the key on has broken.
4. Take a family trip to the loo and make them all go before entering the pool. I usually dehydrate them well for a few hours first too.
5. Whilst swimming try not to lose any of them. I have told my children that sharks live in the deep end and they really like bright orange armbands so best to stay in the shallow end.
6. Don't EVER turn you back on your child that is standing on the side. This can lead to him / her painfully jumping on your head or getting a foot stuck down the back of your swim suit.
7. Make sure you have a swim suit that goes up to the neck and is tight. My kids just love to expose me in the shallow end whilst claiming they are drowning.
8. When leaving the pool, tie them altogether to make sure you don't leave one behind or that one doesn't do a runner and throw themselves back in.
9. Never let them be more dressed than you (especially if they can walk). I sit them on the bench with their towels on, shivering, and make them wait until I am totally dressed. Cruel I know but I have learnt the hard way. Having dressed my kids first they then opened the door to expose my total nakedness, one leg on the bench drying myself, to not only the people in the changing room but to the life guard on poolside! Having not learnt my lesson the first time, I was in a similar scenario a few weeks later that had me grabbing for a towel to run naked to poolside to stop the 2 year old throwing herself in. Sadly the towel I grabbed was a small hand towel for my hair. It didn't quite do the job of covering me adequately.
10. Bribery - especially after-swimming sweets!! Use it, abuse it and get the best behaved kids!
Happy swimming. X
1. Never let them be more undressed than you. Even if this means going to the pool with them in their pants, trousers, t-shirts, jumpers, socks, shoes, rain coats, waterproof trousers, gloves, hats and scarves (even in summer) and you in just your swimsuit and flip flops.
2. Fight and stand your ground for the biggest cubicle! And if someone less encumbered than you beats you to it then go in the cubicle next to them. Keep saying very loudly to the children how inconsiderate other people are. Deliberately bang your knee and elbow on the dividing wall and scream with pain every few minutes. 'Accidently' kick an open dirt nappy under the cubicle and (sincerely) apologise!
3. Bring a buggy! I load everything on to the buggy and wheel it on to pool side as just HATE faffing about with lockers that are too small. And then once you have finally jammed the last shoe in you find the lock doesn't work or the wristband with the key on has broken.
4. Take a family trip to the loo and make them all go before entering the pool. I usually dehydrate them well for a few hours first too.
5. Whilst swimming try not to lose any of them. I have told my children that sharks live in the deep end and they really like bright orange armbands so best to stay in the shallow end.
6. Don't EVER turn you back on your child that is standing on the side. This can lead to him / her painfully jumping on your head or getting a foot stuck down the back of your swim suit.
7. Make sure you have a swim suit that goes up to the neck and is tight. My kids just love to expose me in the shallow end whilst claiming they are drowning.
8. When leaving the pool, tie them altogether to make sure you don't leave one behind or that one doesn't do a runner and throw themselves back in.
9. Never let them be more dressed than you (especially if they can walk). I sit them on the bench with their towels on, shivering, and make them wait until I am totally dressed. Cruel I know but I have learnt the hard way. Having dressed my kids first they then opened the door to expose my total nakedness, one leg on the bench drying myself, to not only the people in the changing room but to the life guard on poolside! Having not learnt my lesson the first time, I was in a similar scenario a few weeks later that had me grabbing for a towel to run naked to poolside to stop the 2 year old throwing herself in. Sadly the towel I grabbed was a small hand towel for my hair. It didn't quite do the job of covering me adequately.
10. Bribery - especially after-swimming sweets!! Use it, abuse it and get the best behaved kids!
Happy swimming. X
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