Fit in or F*** Off

As I stroll around one of the trendy high street stores looking to update my wardrobe, I supress the urge to stand at the shop entrance shouting "DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU ARE A SIZE 12 OR LESS" or something on the lines of "ENTER AT THE RISK OF LEAVING WITH AN ITEM THAT WILL NEVER FIT YOU BY THE SUMMER".

My favourite pair of jeans, bought for one Euro from a charity shop, has now got a large hole in the knee and the start of a rip in the bum.  I have been told this is trendy but at my age and size I can just see the unfortunately embarrassing scene unfolding in front of me.  It goes something like this.... I am out in a very busy public place, say - Tesco; I have all of the children with me and one of them sticks their hand out of the trolley whilst I am speeding down an isle and knocks a whole row of packaged pasta on the floor.  In a flurry of embarrassment and annoyance I bend down to pick them up and ..... you guessed it.... the bottom of my jeans give way to reveal the pants I have owned for 9 years, elastic trailing out of them and a hole in the gusset! (Of course I haven't tackled the forest for a while either).  In shock I quickly try to work out what to do next... Do I carry on picking up the pasta, or try and find the children that have done a bunk, or sod the trolley, sod the children and make a run for the nearest shelter?  I can't answer this question but I do know one thing..... from now on I'm doing online shopping!

Anyway, back to clothes shopping, I would like nothing more than a comfy pair of jeans but I just don't fit in to the normal shape.  I'm not pear shaped, wine glass or even an upside down triangle.  To give you an idea, I have huge eyes, small nose, huge mouth, small boobs, large waist and tiny toes!  You can get jeans for ladies with long legs, short legs, big hips, large bums, petite, flared, bootcut to hide big ankles, but nowhere have I seen jeans that go in at the hip and out at the waist.  And what is with making hipsters to fit women over a size 12?  All that happens is the folds of flab droop unattractively over the waistband... and they are bloody uncomfortable.

So as I abandon the trendy shops, I head to the M&S, Debenhams type shops that cater for young and OLDER and seek out some jeans that have such a high waist band I can tuck my tits into it.

Wish me luck.