A couple of nights ago I was flicking through the multiple junk channels provided to us for an extortionate price and noticed a program called 3 in a bed. Thinking it would be all about sharing your bed with your baby and how it helps bonding, building trust, confidence and security for your little angel, I highlighted it and pressed select. OMG (or am I too old and uncool to use this abbreviation?) It was NOT about co-sleeping! It was all about how marriages have been saved by threesomes. I had one immediate thought...... I bet they don't have children! If they did they would be too knackered for sex with each other let alone a third person.
And let's be honest.... when you have children there is never really a good time to have marital relations is there! My children seem to have a sixth sense about this subject. It doesn't matter whether it is 10pm or 4am, my children KNOW and they bloody wake up. It starts with a little murmur which makes us pause, listen, carry on but we all know how it is going to end; a little cry, pause, listen, carry on; A burst-in-to-tears, hysterical 2 year old, pause, shrug of shoulders, get on clothes, leave the bedroom to go to the child.
I'm all for trying new positions but when you have to be conscious that one of you has a good view of the door 'just in case', it kind of puts a tinge on things. And there is no such thing as being spontaneous any longer. It has to be more planned..... Am I too tired? When did I last shower? Are they all asleep? Will they all stay asleep? Does the baby have her dummy in? .......... I could go on and on.
And it goes further than trying to 'plan' a spur of the moment togetherness. The pre-planning of the plan is never easy. Maybe a family shopping trip to Tesco is not the ideal time to be purchasing the KY! "Mummy, is that my new toothpaste?" - shouted loudly at the checkout whilst I am trying to avoid eye contact with the cashier.
I take sex very seriously. Especially now that I have realised, 4 children later, that pregnancy is not a gift from God!
I have already started to pre-plan the plan for his birthday in November and our wedding anniversary next year!
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
The Disastrous Dieter
Having checked that we are on a waning moon (rather than a waxing moon as apparently you are more likely to stick to a diet if you start it when the moon is getting thinner too) I pledged today would be the day that the diet (or should I say, healthy eating) would start.
I had sat myself down and lectured myself on the importance of realising this was a life changing event and that it was not something that should be started lightly or without commitment. I vowed after hearing the power of my self-preaching that I would never abuse my body with food again. I resolved that I could and would do this and that by eating junk I was not treating myself but punishing myself.
It felt good. I felt uplifted and ready to go into battle with the flabby bits. I visualised a medieval duel of skinny me with a huge sword charging at the blobs of fat and cutting them into tiny pieces before they dssappeared into the ground. I pictured me sunbathing in a bikini this summer and turning up at my sister's wedding in October in the most slinkiest, sexiest number that just about covered the stretch marks.
Wow, I have power; I have motivation; I have strength;
I have no will power; I have failed on day one, I am weak; I can resist anything but temptation! The large bag of peanut M&Ms in the cupboard was just too tempting. And seriously now, what is the point in eating Ryvita for lunch and a salad for dinner when you have binged on chocolate, biscuits and cheese?
So I have decided to eat my way through the junk food and start again after the next full moon (reckon that gives me a couple of weeks).
I had sat myself down and lectured myself on the importance of realising this was a life changing event and that it was not something that should be started lightly or without commitment. I vowed after hearing the power of my self-preaching that I would never abuse my body with food again. I resolved that I could and would do this and that by eating junk I was not treating myself but punishing myself.
It felt good. I felt uplifted and ready to go into battle with the flabby bits. I visualised a medieval duel of skinny me with a huge sword charging at the blobs of fat and cutting them into tiny pieces before they dssappeared into the ground. I pictured me sunbathing in a bikini this summer and turning up at my sister's wedding in October in the most slinkiest, sexiest number that just about covered the stretch marks.
Wow, I have power; I have motivation; I have strength;
I have no will power; I have failed on day one, I am weak; I can resist anything but temptation! The large bag of peanut M&Ms in the cupboard was just too tempting. And seriously now, what is the point in eating Ryvita for lunch and a salad for dinner when you have binged on chocolate, biscuits and cheese?
So I have decided to eat my way through the junk food and start again after the next full moon (reckon that gives me a couple of weeks).
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Dear Landlord
Dear Landlord
May I start by thanking you for allowing us to live in your magnificent house, especially when so many other landlords had said absolutely not to 4 young kids. And thank you for having such an efficient smoke alarm, as we discovered in January when my middle son nearly burnt the house down.
I am most impressed at your laid back attitude to us having to break the bathroom door down to release my trapped youngest son just 3 days into our tenancy agreement; and the glass chandelier that fell from the dining room ceiling when batted with a hurling stick by my eldest son.
I would just like you to know that the brown stains on the soap dispenser and in the grout of the tiles in the downstairs loo are not poo stains. They are from chocolaty hands at Easter. And I promise to try and remember to buy some cillit bang next week.
Please do not worry about the split water pipe in the back garden that leads to the tap. I have put loads of duct tape around it and a jubilee clip, just in case!
I have fixed the ice dispenser in your expensive American style fridge freezer after one of the twins "did something to it" and steam cleaned the strawberry stain that was artistically and lovingly created by my daughter on the cream carpet in the sitting room.
I am not entirely sure which child pulled the sealant out from around the window frame in the end bedroom or broke the drain pipe outside. I have quite a good idea which one blocked the drain at the side of the house and didn't tell me for 5 weeks. I do, however, have to admit that it was totally my fault and purely by accident that I washed a disposable nappy in your washing machine.
I would also just like to reassure you that I am not stalking you or your wife. It is purely by chance that when I am doing something, like weeding the pavement, which could gain me 'The Most Conscientious Tenant' award, that you drive past.
Although I cannot promise that my children will always be fully clothed (or even partially clothed) in the garden when you or the neighbours walk past, or that I won't let out a roar at them that will disturb this lovely, quiet neighbourhood; I will pay the rent on time and replace anything we break. We look forward to renewing our tenancy agreement in 8 months time.
Yours sincerely
May I start by thanking you for allowing us to live in your magnificent house, especially when so many other landlords had said absolutely not to 4 young kids. And thank you for having such an efficient smoke alarm, as we discovered in January when my middle son nearly burnt the house down.
I am most impressed at your laid back attitude to us having to break the bathroom door down to release my trapped youngest son just 3 days into our tenancy agreement; and the glass chandelier that fell from the dining room ceiling when batted with a hurling stick by my eldest son.
I would just like you to know that the brown stains on the soap dispenser and in the grout of the tiles in the downstairs loo are not poo stains. They are from chocolaty hands at Easter. And I promise to try and remember to buy some cillit bang next week.
Please do not worry about the split water pipe in the back garden that leads to the tap. I have put loads of duct tape around it and a jubilee clip, just in case!
I have fixed the ice dispenser in your expensive American style fridge freezer after one of the twins "did something to it" and steam cleaned the strawberry stain that was artistically and lovingly created by my daughter on the cream carpet in the sitting room.
I am not entirely sure which child pulled the sealant out from around the window frame in the end bedroom or broke the drain pipe outside. I have quite a good idea which one blocked the drain at the side of the house and didn't tell me for 5 weeks. I do, however, have to admit that it was totally my fault and purely by accident that I washed a disposable nappy in your washing machine.
I would also just like to reassure you that I am not stalking you or your wife. It is purely by chance that when I am doing something, like weeding the pavement, which could gain me 'The Most Conscientious Tenant' award, that you drive past.
Although I cannot promise that my children will always be fully clothed (or even partially clothed) in the garden when you or the neighbours walk past, or that I won't let out a roar at them that will disturb this lovely, quiet neighbourhood; I will pay the rent on time and replace anything we break. We look forward to renewing our tenancy agreement in 8 months time.
Yours sincerely
Uh oh... here come the Chav Family (if your English) or the Knacker Famiy (if your Irish)!
Welcome back, long time no write! Well it has been Easter hols and we have had Irish visitors so I have had a busy time. But it really has been a great time. We went out every day to somewhere exciting but with 2 adults and 6 kids in tow, we did get some looks.
I tend to have a bit of a rule for myself with my kids which is - Choose your battles wisely. Based on this rule I hope that it means I won't constantly be at them (and they get a bit of freedom to be kids). However, they are young and adventurous (or should I say mischievous!). I let them run ahead, climb on things, be loud in open spaces and have been confident that is acceptable.
BUT, this Easter has made me realise something...... when you live in an area that is so posh there isn't and Aldi for 20 miles, behaviour like theirs does not go down so well! No longer can I stand on a pavement like in Ireland and screech at my kids for running too far ahead; Now, with a slightly raised voice, I have to say "Darlings, that's far enough, come back to Mummy now" in my best Queen's English voice!
I have suddenly become aware that maybe to other people it looks like my kids are out of control and I don't care. Then, if I do have to shout I just sound like a right knacker!! Also, maybe I am bias, but I don't think my children are badly behaved; I just think there are a lot of them of a similar age. If, as many passers-by think, I was a child minder, I would probably get reported.
And what does "Oh you have your hands full" really mean? I am not coping? I am not in control? or maybe "God I wouldn't swap places with you for any amount of money"!
So is there a solution? I'm not sure yet. I am toying with the idea of hanging a sign around my neck that simply says "if you could do better, you are welcome to try!"
I tend to have a bit of a rule for myself with my kids which is - Choose your battles wisely. Based on this rule I hope that it means I won't constantly be at them (and they get a bit of freedom to be kids). However, they are young and adventurous (or should I say mischievous!). I let them run ahead, climb on things, be loud in open spaces and have been confident that is acceptable.
BUT, this Easter has made me realise something...... when you live in an area that is so posh there isn't and Aldi for 20 miles, behaviour like theirs does not go down so well! No longer can I stand on a pavement like in Ireland and screech at my kids for running too far ahead; Now, with a slightly raised voice, I have to say "Darlings, that's far enough, come back to Mummy now" in my best Queen's English voice!
I have suddenly become aware that maybe to other people it looks like my kids are out of control and I don't care. Then, if I do have to shout I just sound like a right knacker!! Also, maybe I am bias, but I don't think my children are badly behaved; I just think there are a lot of them of a similar age. If, as many passers-by think, I was a child minder, I would probably get reported.
And what does "Oh you have your hands full" really mean? I am not coping? I am not in control? or maybe "God I wouldn't swap places with you for any amount of money"!
So is there a solution? I'm not sure yet. I am toying with the idea of hanging a sign around my neck that simply says "if you could do better, you are welcome to try!"
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Dear Husband
Dear Husband
May I start this letter by simply saying "I love you".
When you are working away I miss you. In fact I miss you so much that I could not help but wear your new, only worn 3 times (once by you and twice by me) grey hoodie just to feel close to you; to smell you; to feel you are near me.
I think that your daughter felt the same as when I put on your nearly new hoodie this morning she kept saying "dadda dadda". Normally, if you were home I would be shhushing her quiet in hope that you would not notice I was wearing one of your jumpers. But today I said "Yes honey, it's Daddy's jumper" and carried on my day.
And I am truly convinced that she also wanted to feel close to you when she threw her arms around me and left spaghetti bolognese hand prints on the sleeves and back of your hoodie. I am also convinced that when she rubbed her gorgeous but somewhat orange face into the front of your now not so new looking hoodie, she just wanted to smell you.
Anyway, I hope work is going well.
Lots of love
XXXXX
May I start this letter by simply saying "I love you".
When you are working away I miss you. In fact I miss you so much that I could not help but wear your new, only worn 3 times (once by you and twice by me) grey hoodie just to feel close to you; to smell you; to feel you are near me.
I think that your daughter felt the same as when I put on your nearly new hoodie this morning she kept saying "dadda dadda". Normally, if you were home I would be shhushing her quiet in hope that you would not notice I was wearing one of your jumpers. But today I said "Yes honey, it's Daddy's jumper" and carried on my day.
And I am truly convinced that she also wanted to feel close to you when she threw her arms around me and left spaghetti bolognese hand prints on the sleeves and back of your hoodie. I am also convinced that when she rubbed her gorgeous but somewhat orange face into the front of your now not so new looking hoodie, she just wanted to smell you.
Anyway, I hope work is going well.
Lots of love
XXXXX
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Addict or Opportunist?
Ok, it is time to come clean and be honest with myself. I am a TOTAL addict. I would vaguely class myself as addicted (but more of an opportunist) to some things in my life, like the odd cigarette, but I would literally do ANYTHING for a jam donut.
I have recently found myself going to extreme measures to have one (or maybe 2 or 3). These measures have included trampling small children to get to the last bag on the shelf and even, I'm sad to admit, eating a stale one. Last night I found myself counting the remaining donuts in the bag - 3; only 3 of my 4 children eat donuts but then where is mine? So I hid them!! How awful is that?
And to top that, if I'm trying to be good, I will eat into the donut until I get to the jam, eat the jam and then leave a tiny bit of jamless donut remaining. Who am I kidding?
Note to self....... JUST DON'T BUY THEM!
I have recently found myself going to extreme measures to have one (or maybe 2 or 3). These measures have included trampling small children to get to the last bag on the shelf and even, I'm sad to admit, eating a stale one. Last night I found myself counting the remaining donuts in the bag - 3; only 3 of my 4 children eat donuts but then where is mine? So I hid them!! How awful is that?
And to top that, if I'm trying to be good, I will eat into the donut until I get to the jam, eat the jam and then leave a tiny bit of jamless donut remaining. Who am I kidding?
Note to self....... JUST DON'T BUY THEM!
Monday, 11 April 2011
It's all a load of c**p
To what lengths will I go to lose the flab for summer? Well to give you an idea, if you have read my previous posts, I go to the gym (occasionally but not often enough to get trim), own an exercise hula hoop (used and failed at once) and now I have to shamefully admit to being scammed online!
It's bloody ridiculous! I fell for a wonder product advertised as a free trial and just £2.49 p+p only to get a call from my wonderful bank(thank goodness) telling me they had not authorised payment..... payment of TWO amounts of £127.59!! When I got the call two things happened in my head.
1. Why hadn't payment been authorised? Was I over drawn? Shit! I couldn't have spent that much recently, surely?
2. The man on the phone was foreign, the line was bad and he knew an awful lot about my spending habits (thank goodness I had decided against buying those sex toys!). I am very embarrassed to admit that it crossed my mind that I hadn't actually been scammed but I was about to be!
No, payment wasn't authorised due to lack of funds but due to 'suspicion' on the banks part (again, thank goodness) and as soon as I got off the phone to 'the bank' I rang them back to check the call was above board.
This has led to me having to cancel my card and await a new one in the post.
So, exhausted from the last 2 hours of ringing the fat loss pill company and the bank several times and all in the aid of the perfect body, all I want now is a big, fat triple gin and loads of chocolate.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something!
It's bloody ridiculous! I fell for a wonder product advertised as a free trial and just £2.49 p+p only to get a call from my wonderful bank(thank goodness) telling me they had not authorised payment..... payment of TWO amounts of £127.59!! When I got the call two things happened in my head.
1. Why hadn't payment been authorised? Was I over drawn? Shit! I couldn't have spent that much recently, surely?
2. The man on the phone was foreign, the line was bad and he knew an awful lot about my spending habits (thank goodness I had decided against buying those sex toys!). I am very embarrassed to admit that it crossed my mind that I hadn't actually been scammed but I was about to be!
No, payment wasn't authorised due to lack of funds but due to 'suspicion' on the banks part (again, thank goodness) and as soon as I got off the phone to 'the bank' I rang them back to check the call was above board.
This has led to me having to cancel my card and await a new one in the post.
So, exhausted from the last 2 hours of ringing the fat loss pill company and the bank several times and all in the aid of the perfect body, all I want now is a big, fat triple gin and loads of chocolate.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something!
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