Dear Landlord
May I start by thanking you for allowing us to live in your magnificent house, especially when so many other landlords had said absolutely not to 4 young kids. And thank you for having such an efficient smoke alarm, as we discovered in January when my middle son nearly burnt the house down.
I am most impressed at your laid back attitude to us having to break the bathroom door down to release my trapped youngest son just 3 days into our tenancy agreement; and the glass chandelier that fell from the dining room ceiling when batted with a hurling stick by my eldest son.
I would just like you to know that the brown stains on the soap dispenser and in the grout of the tiles in the downstairs loo are not poo stains. They are from chocolaty hands at Easter. And I promise to try and remember to buy some cillit bang next week.
Please do not worry about the split water pipe in the back garden that leads to the tap. I have put loads of duct tape around it and a jubilee clip, just in case!
I have fixed the ice dispenser in your expensive American style fridge freezer after one of the twins "did something to it" and steam cleaned the strawberry stain that was artistically and lovingly created by my daughter on the cream carpet in the sitting room.
I am not entirely sure which child pulled the sealant out from around the window frame in the end bedroom or broke the drain pipe outside. I have quite a good idea which one blocked the drain at the side of the house and didn't tell me for 5 weeks. I do, however, have to admit that it was totally my fault and purely by accident that I washed a disposable nappy in your washing machine.
I would also just like to reassure you that I am not stalking you or your wife. It is purely by chance that when I am doing something, like weeding the pavement, which could gain me 'The Most Conscientious Tenant' award, that you drive past.
Although I cannot promise that my children will always be fully clothed (or even partially clothed) in the garden when you or the neighbours walk past, or that I won't let out a roar at them that will disturb this lovely, quiet neighbourhood; I will pay the rent on time and replace anything we break. We look forward to renewing our tenancy agreement in 8 months time.
Yours sincerely
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Uh oh... here come the Chav Family (if your English) or the Knacker Famiy (if your Irish)!
Welcome back, long time no write! Well it has been Easter hols and we have had Irish visitors so I have had a busy time. But it really has been a great time. We went out every day to somewhere exciting but with 2 adults and 6 kids in tow, we did get some looks.
I tend to have a bit of a rule for myself with my kids which is - Choose your battles wisely. Based on this rule I hope that it means I won't constantly be at them (and they get a bit of freedom to be kids). However, they are young and adventurous (or should I say mischievous!). I let them run ahead, climb on things, be loud in open spaces and have been confident that is acceptable.
BUT, this Easter has made me realise something...... when you live in an area that is so posh there isn't and Aldi for 20 miles, behaviour like theirs does not go down so well! No longer can I stand on a pavement like in Ireland and screech at my kids for running too far ahead; Now, with a slightly raised voice, I have to say "Darlings, that's far enough, come back to Mummy now" in my best Queen's English voice!
I have suddenly become aware that maybe to other people it looks like my kids are out of control and I don't care. Then, if I do have to shout I just sound like a right knacker!! Also, maybe I am bias, but I don't think my children are badly behaved; I just think there are a lot of them of a similar age. If, as many passers-by think, I was a child minder, I would probably get reported.
And what does "Oh you have your hands full" really mean? I am not coping? I am not in control? or maybe "God I wouldn't swap places with you for any amount of money"!
So is there a solution? I'm not sure yet. I am toying with the idea of hanging a sign around my neck that simply says "if you could do better, you are welcome to try!"
I tend to have a bit of a rule for myself with my kids which is - Choose your battles wisely. Based on this rule I hope that it means I won't constantly be at them (and they get a bit of freedom to be kids). However, they are young and adventurous (or should I say mischievous!). I let them run ahead, climb on things, be loud in open spaces and have been confident that is acceptable.
BUT, this Easter has made me realise something...... when you live in an area that is so posh there isn't and Aldi for 20 miles, behaviour like theirs does not go down so well! No longer can I stand on a pavement like in Ireland and screech at my kids for running too far ahead; Now, with a slightly raised voice, I have to say "Darlings, that's far enough, come back to Mummy now" in my best Queen's English voice!
I have suddenly become aware that maybe to other people it looks like my kids are out of control and I don't care. Then, if I do have to shout I just sound like a right knacker!! Also, maybe I am bias, but I don't think my children are badly behaved; I just think there are a lot of them of a similar age. If, as many passers-by think, I was a child minder, I would probably get reported.
And what does "Oh you have your hands full" really mean? I am not coping? I am not in control? or maybe "God I wouldn't swap places with you for any amount of money"!
So is there a solution? I'm not sure yet. I am toying with the idea of hanging a sign around my neck that simply says "if you could do better, you are welcome to try!"
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Dear Husband
Dear Husband
May I start this letter by simply saying "I love you".
When you are working away I miss you. In fact I miss you so much that I could not help but wear your new, only worn 3 times (once by you and twice by me) grey hoodie just to feel close to you; to smell you; to feel you are near me.
I think that your daughter felt the same as when I put on your nearly new hoodie this morning she kept saying "dadda dadda". Normally, if you were home I would be shhushing her quiet in hope that you would not notice I was wearing one of your jumpers. But today I said "Yes honey, it's Daddy's jumper" and carried on my day.
And I am truly convinced that she also wanted to feel close to you when she threw her arms around me and left spaghetti bolognese hand prints on the sleeves and back of your hoodie. I am also convinced that when she rubbed her gorgeous but somewhat orange face into the front of your now not so new looking hoodie, she just wanted to smell you.
Anyway, I hope work is going well.
Lots of love
XXXXX
May I start this letter by simply saying "I love you".
When you are working away I miss you. In fact I miss you so much that I could not help but wear your new, only worn 3 times (once by you and twice by me) grey hoodie just to feel close to you; to smell you; to feel you are near me.
I think that your daughter felt the same as when I put on your nearly new hoodie this morning she kept saying "dadda dadda". Normally, if you were home I would be shhushing her quiet in hope that you would not notice I was wearing one of your jumpers. But today I said "Yes honey, it's Daddy's jumper" and carried on my day.
And I am truly convinced that she also wanted to feel close to you when she threw her arms around me and left spaghetti bolognese hand prints on the sleeves and back of your hoodie. I am also convinced that when she rubbed her gorgeous but somewhat orange face into the front of your now not so new looking hoodie, she just wanted to smell you.
Anyway, I hope work is going well.
Lots of love
XXXXX
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Addict or Opportunist?
Ok, it is time to come clean and be honest with myself. I am a TOTAL addict. I would vaguely class myself as addicted (but more of an opportunist) to some things in my life, like the odd cigarette, but I would literally do ANYTHING for a jam donut.
I have recently found myself going to extreme measures to have one (or maybe 2 or 3). These measures have included trampling small children to get to the last bag on the shelf and even, I'm sad to admit, eating a stale one. Last night I found myself counting the remaining donuts in the bag - 3; only 3 of my 4 children eat donuts but then where is mine? So I hid them!! How awful is that?
And to top that, if I'm trying to be good, I will eat into the donut until I get to the jam, eat the jam and then leave a tiny bit of jamless donut remaining. Who am I kidding?
Note to self....... JUST DON'T BUY THEM!
I have recently found myself going to extreme measures to have one (or maybe 2 or 3). These measures have included trampling small children to get to the last bag on the shelf and even, I'm sad to admit, eating a stale one. Last night I found myself counting the remaining donuts in the bag - 3; only 3 of my 4 children eat donuts but then where is mine? So I hid them!! How awful is that?
And to top that, if I'm trying to be good, I will eat into the donut until I get to the jam, eat the jam and then leave a tiny bit of jamless donut remaining. Who am I kidding?
Note to self....... JUST DON'T BUY THEM!
Monday, 11 April 2011
It's all a load of c**p
To what lengths will I go to lose the flab for summer? Well to give you an idea, if you have read my previous posts, I go to the gym (occasionally but not often enough to get trim), own an exercise hula hoop (used and failed at once) and now I have to shamefully admit to being scammed online!
It's bloody ridiculous! I fell for a wonder product advertised as a free trial and just £2.49 p+p only to get a call from my wonderful bank(thank goodness) telling me they had not authorised payment..... payment of TWO amounts of £127.59!! When I got the call two things happened in my head.
1. Why hadn't payment been authorised? Was I over drawn? Shit! I couldn't have spent that much recently, surely?
2. The man on the phone was foreign, the line was bad and he knew an awful lot about my spending habits (thank goodness I had decided against buying those sex toys!). I am very embarrassed to admit that it crossed my mind that I hadn't actually been scammed but I was about to be!
No, payment wasn't authorised due to lack of funds but due to 'suspicion' on the banks part (again, thank goodness) and as soon as I got off the phone to 'the bank' I rang them back to check the call was above board.
This has led to me having to cancel my card and await a new one in the post.
So, exhausted from the last 2 hours of ringing the fat loss pill company and the bank several times and all in the aid of the perfect body, all I want now is a big, fat triple gin and loads of chocolate.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something!
It's bloody ridiculous! I fell for a wonder product advertised as a free trial and just £2.49 p+p only to get a call from my wonderful bank(thank goodness) telling me they had not authorised payment..... payment of TWO amounts of £127.59!! When I got the call two things happened in my head.
1. Why hadn't payment been authorised? Was I over drawn? Shit! I couldn't have spent that much recently, surely?
2. The man on the phone was foreign, the line was bad and he knew an awful lot about my spending habits (thank goodness I had decided against buying those sex toys!). I am very embarrassed to admit that it crossed my mind that I hadn't actually been scammed but I was about to be!
No, payment wasn't authorised due to lack of funds but due to 'suspicion' on the banks part (again, thank goodness) and as soon as I got off the phone to 'the bank' I rang them back to check the call was above board.
This has led to me having to cancel my card and await a new one in the post.
So, exhausted from the last 2 hours of ringing the fat loss pill company and the bank several times and all in the aid of the perfect body, all I want now is a big, fat triple gin and loads of chocolate.
Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something!
The She Devil Hour
Today is going to be one of those days..... you know the ones; you had a really bad night's sleep; the kids have all woken early and are moaning and arguing already and every time they open their mouths it is to demand I get off my bum and get them something.
I have heard about 'the witching hour' for children; in fact I was interviewed by a national paper about how to deal with that time of the day when the kids are all cranky. But I am yet to find advice on how to handle a mummy's witching hour.
At 7am I am already preparing myself for that time this evening when, in a blink I go from caring, loving mummy to a towering 10ft, clothes ripping over my bulging muscles, foaming at the mouth SHE DEVIL.
It is like someone has flicked a switch and nothing can talk me out of it. I stomp around the house throwing things into the sink / laundry basket counting the minutes till bed time. I do more than I usually would at this time of night, just to make a point of how busy / tired / at the end of my tether I am. Of course, I am trying to make a point which totally washes of the heads of my children. I would throw myself on the floor and flail my hands and legs around if I thought I could get up again without assistance.
And then I hear them talking to each other in my She Devil language. They throw things like "I'm not listening to you in that whingey voice" and "When I say NOW, I mean NOW" at each other. Bearing in mind that not one of them is over the age of 6, it is obvious where they are getting from.
So what can I do to survive and tame the beast that is brewing inside? I think I will prep the dinner early, have the pyjamas on them by 6pm and set sky to record their favourite programs.
Today is going to be a long, long day where the thought of going out is exhausting but the thought of staying in with bored kids is .... well.... more exhausting (and could raise the devil earlier than expected). So whilst I prepare my antichrist make up and sew up my clothes from last night, I make a mental note to go and buy some rescue remedy, a couple of mini bottles of gin and lots of chocolate!
I have heard about 'the witching hour' for children; in fact I was interviewed by a national paper about how to deal with that time of the day when the kids are all cranky. But I am yet to find advice on how to handle a mummy's witching hour.
At 7am I am already preparing myself for that time this evening when, in a blink I go from caring, loving mummy to a towering 10ft, clothes ripping over my bulging muscles, foaming at the mouth SHE DEVIL.
It is like someone has flicked a switch and nothing can talk me out of it. I stomp around the house throwing things into the sink / laundry basket counting the minutes till bed time. I do more than I usually would at this time of night, just to make a point of how busy / tired / at the end of my tether I am. Of course, I am trying to make a point which totally washes of the heads of my children. I would throw myself on the floor and flail my hands and legs around if I thought I could get up again without assistance.
And then I hear them talking to each other in my She Devil language. They throw things like "I'm not listening to you in that whingey voice" and "When I say NOW, I mean NOW" at each other. Bearing in mind that not one of them is over the age of 6, it is obvious where they are getting from.
So what can I do to survive and tame the beast that is brewing inside? I think I will prep the dinner early, have the pyjamas on them by 6pm and set sky to record their favourite programs.
Today is going to be a long, long day where the thought of going out is exhausting but the thought of staying in with bored kids is .... well.... more exhausting (and could raise the devil earlier than expected). So whilst I prepare my antichrist make up and sew up my clothes from last night, I make a mental note to go and buy some rescue remedy, a couple of mini bottles of gin and lots of chocolate!
Friday, 8 April 2011
A Wee Letter For You. X
Dear Future Wife / Partner of my Boys
I want to send you my sincerest apologies for the apparent lack of training your husbands / partners have. It has been with best intentions and perseverance that I have tried to teach them to put down the toilet seat when finished, wash their hands and turn the bathroom light off. I have reiterated time and time again about toilet etiquette but I fear, at this stage, they will be flying the coop with only the basics in toilet manners (in that they will use the toilet instead of a bush outside).
I also need to give you a serious warning and a bit of advice. I have tried every method found on the internet and a few homemade solutions to try and get them to aim into the bowl but without success. At some point during the relieving themselves process, they have been known to miss to bowl quite spectacularly. I have tried using ping pong balls in the bowl to aim at; I have tried reward based training; I have resorted to punishment training (no sweets for a week type thing) but it is still literally hit and miss with them. So my advice for when you are designing your bathroom in your first house, or looking at your first rental property, is make sure behind the toilet is tiled from floor to ceiling and sealed with the best sealant money can buy.
I want to further wish you luck and thank you for 'relieving' me of all house training responsibility.
With lots of love
Your most grateful
Mother in Law
I want to send you my sincerest apologies for the apparent lack of training your husbands / partners have. It has been with best intentions and perseverance that I have tried to teach them to put down the toilet seat when finished, wash their hands and turn the bathroom light off. I have reiterated time and time again about toilet etiquette but I fear, at this stage, they will be flying the coop with only the basics in toilet manners (in that they will use the toilet instead of a bush outside).
I also need to give you a serious warning and a bit of advice. I have tried every method found on the internet and a few homemade solutions to try and get them to aim into the bowl but without success. At some point during the relieving themselves process, they have been known to miss to bowl quite spectacularly. I have tried using ping pong balls in the bowl to aim at; I have tried reward based training; I have resorted to punishment training (no sweets for a week type thing) but it is still literally hit and miss with them. So my advice for when you are designing your bathroom in your first house, or looking at your first rental property, is make sure behind the toilet is tiled from floor to ceiling and sealed with the best sealant money can buy.
I want to further wish you luck and thank you for 'relieving' me of all house training responsibility.
With lots of love
Your most grateful
Mother in Law
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